I'm on Twitter, though I don't do a very good job of it. I never have been able to say anything in twenty words or less. So here are some things I've had on my mind lately, inspired by tweets -- mine, or other people's. (I use the same username on Twitter as here, if you're curious).
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vendredi13 had a birthday. I have to confess that I am a bad friend, in that I don't often remember or even acknowledge birthdays, but this is a particularly significant one, in that she marks the quarter-century. Congratulations, darlin', and to answer your implied question, you're still stunningly gorgeous.I remember my twenty-fifth birthday. I was living in Raleigh, near
nytemiste, and we hung out a lot. I had a big crush on her. There was a lunar eclipse on a weekend a couple of weeks after my birthday, and I got a keg and set up a telescope, and it was the first time I ever felt that a birthday party was successful, though I acknowledge that a lot of the people were there for the beer and the telescope, not me.I remember feeling lost. I was a quarter of a century old, I was recently divorced, and I hadn't accomplished anything of note. I wasn't a millionare, hadn't published a novel, made the world a better place, or... anything.
Who would've thought that I'd still feel that way, fifteen years later?
alohomoron went to play crazy golf with some friends. Apparently, they played competitively, and she came in second. I used to love minigolf. I had my first real job at MetroCenter mall in Phoenix, (where, incidentally, I met
dorinda2212, at her job at the game store, which sent my life in new and interesting directions for a couple of years) and there was a minigolf place there. Occasionally, on payday, I'd go out there and play by myself.I grew up in a church that placed a lot of importance on youth groups doing innocent things together, and I remember that ours went to play minigolf a lot. Corbin and Sean and I always had a good time playing together, though I can't for the life of me remember any of the girls who were with us... though Corbin eventually married one of them.
The last time I played was with
lapis_lazuli, on one of her visits out here. I presume we kept score, but I honestly don't recall who won. It just wasn't important.This Dresden Codak is pretty funny. Me go too far! Me am play gods!
Today, some of the folks in the Barony are having a party to celebrate September birthdays, in which category I fall. And I've been invited. And I know and like the hosts, and at least one of the other celebrants.
And yet I'm waffling about actually going. I'm feeling a lot of social anxiety. As alluded earlier, me + birthday parties has not historically been a very good mix.
I think it was that same year, the year of the telescope birthday party, that
nytemiste and I held our black-tie new year's eve party. We'd made a road trip to a large mall a couple of hours down the road, and she'd looked at a formal dress in a shop window, and lamented that she'd have no place to wear it, so I suggested we make an occasion.We printed invitations, invited our friends, and it came out very well. Ladies in evening dresses, gentlemen in tuxedos, cheap champagne, and a good time. I wonder if it was just the place in life that let me do things like that, or if it was
nytemiste's influence.On further reflection, it couldn't have been the same year, as I was living in different places for the two parties. But I still find myself wondering why I could throw successful parties then, and not at other times in my life.
I've always wanted to be the guy that people felt free to drop in on at any time. I never have been, but I've always wanted to.
This is an attempt to try and sort out some of the things going on in my head. Feel free to make comments or cross-connections if you see them.
Grades posted a couple of weeks ago. I received a D in my nursing course. Now, this is odd, because D is a grade the School of Nursing officially does not give... the 'Screw you, slacker' grading scale requires 75% for a C, and anything less than that goes straight to F. That's strange thing one. Strange thing two is that I haven't received the "You're out!" letter from the SoN yet. Last year, when I failed 350 the first time, they turned it around pretty quickly... I got the letter a couple of days after grades posted.
I called my academic advisor this morning, and explained about the strange things, and she agreed that they were strange, and advised me to talk to one of the fellows in the administration at the SoN. So I went over there this afternoon, and talked to him, and he agreed that they were strange things, and said that he'd look into the situation, and see if there was anything going on that I should be aware of. He said he'd call me tomorrow and let me know.
I also finally heard from the instructor who went through Lab Partner Lady to reach me. She wanted to tell me about Excelsior College which could be a reasonably short path to getting my Associate in Science, Nursing, and getting to practice as a nurse. So I'm applying there, and we'll see what happens. The only thing that concerns me is that there's a practical exam which lasts two or three days, according to the instructor, and there may not be a place in Arizona to do it.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do about leaving Flagstaff. I took a drive today, out to the other end of town, on Highlands War business, and as I drove, I thought. It didn't help that today was a freakishly beautiful day in Flagstaff. I tried to think of anything that would keep me here. I thought of all the complaints I've made about not having in-town friends here, about the times I've been perfectly miserable, and complained about it.
And yet, for some reason, there remains an emotional attachment to the place. My emotions are telling me that it's not time to leave, just yet.
But I can't listen to that. I know that I'll be happy once I'm back in Tucson, and that I have family and good friends there. I know that there are more opportunities there to find a job, to... well, anything. So I need to see what the Admin Guy from the SoN has to say tomorrow, and then I need to make plans for when I'm leaving Flag, and how.
Sigh.
I'm jealous of people who always knew what they wanted to do with their lives, and had it all fall into place for them. I've always felt like I'm fumbling around in the dark without a clue.
- Location:Northern Arizona University
- Music:Lunar Sea - Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder
Just wished to say that I'm alive.
Over the last week or so, I've several times thought, "Oh, I should write about that..." (Whatever value of "that" you like) but been unable to start, because it would open up a whole can of worms, and you know, one should leave cans of worms well sealed, because, well, they're worms after all, and really, who wants canned worms?
So. Alive. Pantry full of cans of worms. Yes, I think that sums it up.
Well, I went over to my storage room today, and went through two piles of boxes... I don't use cardboard boxes, but plastic ones -- they keep the contents safer from vermin and weather, and don't tend to fall apart when you lift them after they've been sitting in storage for five years.
Anyway, as I said, I went through the first two piles of boxes. Each pile is five or six boxes deep, so that was something on the order of ten boxes. I separated out things I hadn't missed in the five years they've been sitting in storage, and took three boxes of books and cetera over to the used bookstore, Bookman's. It netted me enough money to get my accounts out of negative balance, and buy lunch at Taco Bell.
But not enough to make a long term difference in my situation.
- Music:President Obama Calls Hubble Servicing Crew - - NASACast Audio
I spent a lot of yesterday staring at the wall.
Somehow, both my regular checking account and my PayPal account now have negative balances. My credit card account will be 90 days overdue on Sunday, which means that it will go into collections. I have one paper dollar in my wallet, and a little bit of change in my car's ashtray.
No one has called me back in response to applications, even the place that Lab Partner Lady said was almost a sure thing. My guitar didn't sell on eBay.
I don't know what to do.
- Music:Short Skirt / Long Jacket - Cake - Comfort Eagle
It's after four in the morning. I got about two hours of sleep, between eleven last night, and one this morning. I haven't really slept in days, though I keep taking over-the-counter sleep aids.
My mind spins in increasingly tiny circles. At very least, having failed nine of the 24 credits I took this year, I'm going to be on financial aid probation, if I retain any financial aid at all. I'm in massive debt. I owe the university for my summer rent. I have no money to pay it, and no prospects for getting any. I own hardly anything of value, and my guitar, which I put up on eBay shows no signs of selling. My car payment is due on the 16th. I have no money to pay it. My credit card is overdue, and will probably soon be sent to collections. I haven't yet paid my storage bill for this month. Most of the things I own are in storage.
I've turned in applications all over town. No one has called me for an interview.
I don't see any happy future. I don't know what to do. Should I transfer to Pima and continue trying to be a nurse? Do I want to be a nurse? Can I even transfer to Pima at this point? Am I interested in Library school? I've always wanted to work in a bookstore... wouldn't a library be even better?
I don't know what I want. I don't see any way to get anyplace, anyway. Do people still run away to sea? I wonder how hard it is to get an Able-Bodied Seaman's ticket. Hmm. This website says it's a seven-day course. No mention of price. I wonder what being an AB pays?
I feel so lost....
- Music:24. REPUBLIC:Conclusion - Republic: A Novel of America's Future - Charles Sheehan-Miles - Republic:
It's 2009. I expected to be living on the moon by now... or at least at a Lagrange point. Of course, I also expected to be married by now, and to have a kid or two. Which goes to show you that life is what happens while you're making other plans.
Lately, I've been wondering where the adventure went. Okay, the Chinese used to use "interesting times" as a curse -- "may you live in interesting times" -- and I acknowledge that I have in the past acknowledged that the best definition I've found for adventure is "someone a thousand or more miles away, having a perfectly horrible time." All the same... I envy the people who had unknown horizons to head over, and could do so by loading a pack, or a ship, or whatever, and going there. Kipling's poem "The Explorer" has long appealed to me... but there's nothing lost behind the ranges... not any more.
There's just the other side of the mountain... and the mall there isn't any better than the mall here.
I should finish getting dressed, and head over to Coconino County Health. I'm finding it very hard to get motivated enough to get my heinegeplatz up from in front of the computer, and actually doing it, however.
Something I noticed at Estrella War... some of the lamest attempts at garb I saw this weekend involved kilts. I'm glad that fellows are kilting it up, and I'm glad that they're making some attempt at garb, but really, guys... knife-pleated kilts are about two centuries too late for the SCA period... and polyester? Right out.
... and oh, god, I've become a garb nazi. Shoot me now.
I'm in a pretty crappy mood at the moment. I have been all day, actually. The smallest things are grating on my nerves.
And, while I could provide examples, I think I'm just going to leave it at that, and say, "Fooey."
Good night, and good luck.
There are all sorts of things I could be doing. And, it's not like I've accomplished nothing today... in fact, I've done two loads of dishes, in spite of not having dirtied any of them... I just got sick of looking at a sink full of dirty dishes. And, well, the dishwasher is right there. So....
And I kind of need to do some laundry. And the garbage can is overflowing.
But even beyond those sorts of things, there are a lot of useful things I could be doing. But I'm having a hard time finding motivation to actually do any of them.
I'd like some ice cream. Preferably chocolate. And a hamburger. And a nap. But I'm likely to actually get none of those things.
- Music:Discovered: A New Kind of Pulsar-Science @ NASA Feature Stories Podcast-Dr. Tony Phillips
I should go to sleep. I'm tired. I'm even kind of sleepy.
I'm also kind of depressed. I feel that everything I do is futile.
But I can't seem to stop studying....
I'm feeling despondant and inadequate. I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball and stay that way for the rest of the year.
It started with something Easily Offended Girl said to me tonight. I bought
darth_riley a Princeton shirt, and when she found out it was me who'd done it (she'd bought a Smith College shirt for the Pink Lord of the Sith), she said, "It's not like you graduated from Princeton or anything."Thanks. Would you like to stick something sharp in any of my other soft spots?
In and of itself, it's no big deal. On top of some other things that have been going on, which I don't feel like going into, it was enough to make me want to walk off right then.
Sigh.
Hello, Darkness, my old friend.
My air conditioner cut out this morning.
Last night, I got my electricity back on. I had to jump through various hoops, but it happened. I also got a cable modem, so if you think you should have my address, look at my info page... if you can see it, I agree.
Anyway, I was feeling at least middling content, and stayed up late reading old compiles from a play by e-mail RPG I used to write with. I was actually surprised at how good some of the writing was.
Anyway, this morning, I woke up, and turned on the swamp cooler. I sat down to do the email thing, and a little while later, noticed that the air had stopped flowing.
Given that I was still typing on my computer, it was clear the power hadn't gone out.
Bleah.
So, there's a call in to the landlord, who has promised someone will be by today to look at it.
( the book thing. Ones I've read are bolded )
I've mentioned before that I find it interesting that we associate jealousy with the color green. The association of red with anger is a lot clearer... red is the color of blood, and the color you turn when you're really quite angry.
Lately, I've been sort of short-cycling between depression and anger. It's not a new place for me; I seem to end up here every couple of years. When it happens, I do my best to lie low, bite my tongue, and not say anything I'll regret later.
So, I'm late mentioning it, but The Lord of the Peeps is pretty funny. Why don't you go peruse it, instead of this?
'kay. Thanx.
I wrote last week about Office Space and the comment that "Someone has a case of the Mondays!"
I've definatly got one, today.
First of all, after paying rent and bills, I've got about $18 in the bank. This means that, until Friday, I'm largely going to be living off free Subway sandwhiches from collected stamp cards.
Secondly... I didn't sleep very well last night. I kept waking up, adding another layer of blanketting, and taking a drink of water, and thinking dark thoughts.
This morning, I'm left with a deep and abiding sense of forboding.
Plus, I had a very disturbing dream about being covered in splinters, and drawing them out.
I feel empty, lonely, and hopeless.
But that's not really anything new.
I've long thought of myself as Old Mad Regan, Bachellor Uncle and Parriah of Love.
So I don't really understand why I feel so dejected that
kiarrh did in fact run off with another man.I finally got email from her, tonight, in which she said that she and the Other Man are apartment hunting.
The feeling of reading it was not entirely dissimilar from being kicked really hard in the gut with hobnailed sandles.
I guess there has been sort of an unspoken presumption in the back of my mind, based on all the flirting we've done over the years, that I was the other man.
Yes, Virginia, that would be the sound of an illusion shattering.
Do you mean to tell me that you mean to deprive me of these, the sole remaining props of my old age? Leaving me friendless, undefended, and... alone?"
"Yes."
--Pirates of Penzance, Gilbert and Sulivan
For those just tuning in, there are some things about Cowboy R you should know.
He's bitter, sarcastic, cynical.
He's angry, lonely, depressed.
He's also essentially kind, occasionally displays flashes of wit, and is generally not as bad as all that.
If he snaps at you, he usually feels bad about it within moments.
Just in case you were wondering.
- Music:Montezuma Was A Man Of Faith-Andy Prieboy-... Upon My Wicked Son
